


Hello Mister Other Me

by dizzy



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 18:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to When the Coast is Clear: http://archiveofourown.org/works/539118</p><p>Thanks to chamilet for your helpful advice on both fics.</p><p>Super extra AU at this point but still spoiler warning for s4 stuff. TW for suicide attempt (though that actually happens in the first story).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hello Mister Other Me

Blaine knows on some level that he must be getting better, but there are days when it all feels like an act. 

He wakes up in the morning and gets dressed. Kurt usually calls right after he’s out of the shower. Some mornings he doesn’t feel like talking at all and he showers longer than normal just so he’ll miss the call. Kurt never seems upset, and he always leaves a voicemail and texts Blaine within half an hour just to make sure he’s okay. He doesn’t come right out and ask, but Blaine knows that’s why. 

Kurt wants to make sure he hasn’t done something stupid again. 

Because Kurt cares, and Blaine can’t do that to him again. That sense of responsibility weighs on him in a way that’s welcome, like as long as Kurt still cares Blaine has a reason to keep scraping by. 

School is an exercise in awkwardness now that everyone knows what happened to him. (But it didn’t just happen to him, not really, because he did it to himself.) The reactions are a strange mixture of nonchalance and suffocating concern. He can’t let himself think about the conversations they must have had; Mr. Schue and his wanna-be best buddy attitude, Ms. Pillsbury and her saccharine concern. Finn can’t meet his eyes and Tina stares at him like he’s someone she’s never met before and the new kids just don’t really talk to him much, like if they ignore him he’ll disappear. 

(He did, he almost did.)

Sam is still Sam and that’s sort of a relief. Blaine is all but living at the Hudson-Hummel house now, sleeping in Kurt’s old bedroom next door to Sam, who sleeps in Finn’s old bedroom. Sam just likes to play video games and he doesn’t ask any hard questions and he doesn’t say anything when sometimes Blaine just puts down the controller mid-game and walks away. 

Blaine spends a lot of time in bed still, especially when Burt is home for weekends. He never feels worse than he does when Burt is looking at him because Burt is probably one of the best people Blaine has ever met. Blaine has idolized him since the first time he met him and realized Kurt’s descriptions of his father weren’t at all exaggerated. 

Blaine hates disappointing people, and he’s done nothing but disappoint Burt. He broke the heart of his son twice over, and he’s still doing nothing but being a burden on both Hummels. 

He knows deep down that Kurt would be better off alone. It’s one of the things he hasn’t worked up to telling his psychiatrist yet. He’ll talk about his parents, he’ll talk about the mistakes he’s made, he’ll talk about how he feels alone and isolated at school... but he guides the conversations carefully away from dwelling on how much he relies on Kurt. 

He doesn’t want to hear what he thinks is the truth; that he needs to let Kurt go a little. He knows right now he’s not strong enough to do that and seeing Burt is just a reminder. He hates those weekends so much, tries to be around as little as possible to avoid seeing Burt. Once he tells them that he’s going to visit Wes in college and just drives four hours away and rents a hotel room. He gets drunk on a strange bed and watches boring television and goes for a run down unfamiliar streets in the twilight hours of the morning. He calls Kurt and makes up stories about what he’s been doing with Wes and tells Kurt that he doesn’t have to call to check in so much, that he can go out and have fun if he wants. He says that he’s feeling better with an old friend to talk to and for the duration of that conversation Blaine almost convinces himself that he means it. 

Sometimes he’s sad that Kurt doesn’t just _know_ these things, that Kurt can’t just see through to the truth of everything and know to make it better. Blaine’s getting better at asking, but sometimes the words still just don’t come to him. 

He thinks that if Kurt could be here and look at him he’d know, but Kurt isn’t here.

*

Blaine knows Kurt means to keep his promise to visit, but Blaine also knows that Kurt doesn’t really have much control over his work schedule. 

He’s auditioning for NYADA again and Isabelle has hinted that the internship might turn into a salaried position if Kurt keeps putting in the work. Burt might be able to afford to help Kurt with finances now that he’s got got a congressman’s salary in addition to the tire shop, but Kurt still can’t afford to fly back and forth between Lima and New York once a month. 

Blaine has his parents credit card and he knows guilt is enough to keep them paying the bill no matter what he charges on it, but part of him doesn’t want to go see Kurt. Part of him can’t stop thinking of the night he confessed to Kurt. The idea of walking in that apartment, sleeping in that bed or on that couch, makes his stomach turn. Kurt makes a point of telling Blaine at least once or twice a week that he can come any weekend he wants to, but Blaine always changes the subject. 

He almost manages it once, has his finger over the button to complete the plane ticket purchase, and then it hits him so hard he runs to the bathroom and throws up. 

* 

“Blaine,” Kurt says, staring pensively at the screen. Their eyes don’t quite meet because of the camera angles but Blaine feels the gaze no less intensely. “You’re not okay, are you?” 

Blaine could almost cry because he’s been wanting Kurt to force him to say it for weeks now. His eyes fill with tears (God, he _hates_ crying so easily) and he shakes his head. “I’m taking the medicine every day like I’m supposed to.” 

“But you don’t feel any better.” Kurt sighs. “Blaine, honey, you need to tell your doctor. Or at least tell Carole. It’s been weeks.”

“Okay.” He says it, and with a breath, realizes that maybe it is that easy. 

* 

Having Kurt to be responsible to goes a long way. 

Maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe that is one of those intrinsically broken things about him; that he doesn’t want to get better just for himself. He needs motivation. 

Above all else, he needs to not hurt the person he loves more than anything again. 

* 

One Friday Blaine’s mother calls him and they talk for almost an hour. She wants him to come home and he says maybe, says he’ll think about it. 

He likes it at the Hudson-Hummel home better than the place his parents barely live in. He likes that Sam is there for mindless distraction like video games and watching tv and just talking bullshit. 

Finn is back, too, now, and he’s finally stopped looking at Blaine like Blaine is a perplexing mystery with a sort of shitty twist ending. Finn isn’t exactly coasting on rainbows and sunshine lately himself, and Blaine thinks that Finn actually appreciates someone around who sometimes doesn’t actually want to talk or do anything. 

And Carole - Carole is amazing. 

Blaine loves his mother, but she’s never known what to make of him and somehow having only known him through a year of hallway encounters and family dinners, Carole seems to have no trouble with him at all. She knows when to push and when to let go. She doesn’t baby him but she treats him with a sort of gentle care that he hadn’t even realized he was craving. 

But she’s not his mother, and talking to his mother heals a crack or two inside of him. They make dinner plans for the next week and it feels like a start. It feels like enough to make it a good weekend even if that were all that happened, but it’s not. It gets even better, because Kurt has managed to take a weekend off. 

Kurt wants to just rent a car but Blaine skips his last class of the day and Glee club to go pick him up. He stops and buys flowers on the way, on a whim, and it’s entirely worth it for the way Kurt’s face lights up. 

This is how it should have been, some dismal little voice in the back of Blaine’s head fills in. This is how every visit should be. Smiles, and happiness, and trying to find enough privacy for sex, and eagerly planning the future. No matter how well this goes it won’t be that; he doesn’t even know if he still has a place in Kurt’s future, and he’s too terrified to ask. 

He knows Kurt wants him happy and safe and better, but that same little voice trills in his ear, _who would want to put up with such a wreck on a daily basis?_ Kurt shouldn’t have to, no matter what he claims to wait. 

Blaine takes a deep breath and holds Kurt a little tighter and buries that voice deep down inside of him, because _fuck that_ , Kurt is here. He pulls back and kisses Kurt and it only stays hesitant for a heartbeat before Kurt’s hands are on his face and he’s kissing back. 

They drive to a home that’s empty and go straight to Kurt’s bedroom, which will always be Kurt’s bedroom no matter how many nights Blaine sleeps in it. They lay down on the bed fully clothed and Blaine cries a little - seriously, one day he’ll have to run out of tears - and they talk and make out a little and talk some more. 

They talk about the new medication Blaine is on, and how school is going. They talk about the things that Blaine never wants to over the phone. Blaine can’t evade him when Kurt is right here sharing space on the same pillow. He finds that once he starts talking he doesn’t even want to. 

He wants Kurt to see _everything_ because he’s finally started to believe Kurt when Kurt says that this can get better. 

And if he can get better, maybe _they_ can. 

* 

On Saturday, Kurt has lunch with his father and Finn. 

Blaine sits at home and tries not to think of all the awful things that Burt could be telling Kurt about him. It doesn’t work; it’s all he can think about. He’s gone sullen and quiet by the time they all get back, and he knows Kurt can tell with just a glance. 

When Kurt asks him if he wants to go for a walk, Blaine silently grabs his coat. 

From the frequent glances that Kurt sends his way, Blaine knows it’ll only be a matter of minutes before the silence is broken. 

He’s right.

“Dad says he thinks you’re mad at him.” Kurt’s voice is soft, not accusing, just curious. “Are you?” 

Blaine shakes his head. He doesn’t have words for this. 

“He and Carole are worried.” 

“I’m not,” Blaine says. “Not mad at him. I just...” 

He sighs, and then shrugs. 

Kurt slips a hand into his. “Blaine?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Kurt. If he has a problem with how I’ve been acting, I can make sure I’m gone when he’s here. Or I could just... go. I could go back to my parents house.” 

Where he spends the next six months seems inconsequential right now. He’ll graduate, get a degree, and then be on his own. He’s fortunate enough to not have to truly worry about money. He’ll float around, maybe go to one of the colleges he’s applied for, maybe not. 

Maybe by then Kurt will have met someone else. Maybe he’ll really be anchorless. 

“Blaine, no.” Kurt’s voice is firm, but gentle. “We want you here. Dad wants you here, but he doesn’t know how to help you. He’s not going to push you, though.” 

Kurt, better than anyone, knows the issues Blaine has with his own father. He leans into Kurt. “I’ll apologize to him.” 

“You don’t need to do that, Blaine. Just talk to him, when you feel like it.” Kurt puts an arm around Blaine and hugs him close. 

*

Kurt goes back to New York. 

Blaine goes to school every day. He does his homework, he gets good grades. He’s active again. He’s class president and heads up a couple of clubs. He sings in Glee, puts on a show like everyone wants. 

He does exactly what is expected of him, no more and no less. He comes home and talks to Carole - sometimes polite conversation, and sometimes really talks. When Burt comes home on weekends, Blaine stops making sure he’s elsewhere. 

Burt doesn’t actually hate him, just like Kurt said. 

It’s not exactly good, but it’s not as bad as he’s made it out to be in his mind, either. 

His therapist tells him helpful things like _one day at a time_ and _don’t be afraid to have bad days_ and _stop and take a moment to think of the good things in your life_. 

He thinks of Kurt when she says that. 

*

The realization that it’s wrong to put it on Kurt to save him is with him from the very start. The realization that Kurt can’t actually save him is a slow one. 

Kurt can’t fix whatever is going haywire with his brain chemistry. Kurt can’t control what Blaine does and doesn’t do. Kurt can’t unmake bad decisions. 

Once he admits that to himself, lets himself really understand it, things get both harder and easier. 

He thinks the new medicine must be working because there are days when he wakes up and feels okay. He realizes that he used to think the _okay_ days were _great_ days, before he met Kurt. Then he realized what great days really felt like, that light all over sensation he only got when he was performing before that. 

Somehow in the space of the past few months he’d forgotten that all together. He takes a solo in glee club and kills it and for those few moments when his entire person is just filled with music he gets his first taste of it in ages. 

The pats on the back from the rest of the club are nice, the congratulations make him smile. But he looks people give him like _hey, Blaine’s back_ make him want to shake and clutch himself too tight and argue with them. He’s not back, he’s not better, and he’s not sure why he wants them to know. 

He goes home and calls Kurt and tells him, instead. Kurt tells him what he needs to hear; that it’s okay if he’s not all back to how he used to be at once and it’s even okay if he’s never entirely back to how he used to be. That either way, he’s still Blaine.


End file.
